My Dinner With Thomas Jefferson

"Excuse me, sir... I've probably had the wrong kind of mushrooms in my salad, but... aren't you Thomas Jefferson??"

"I was, but don't wear the old name out. If I hear it invoked one more time in vain I swear I will figure out how to give you guys back to the British."

"I'm pretty sure they don't want us anymore."

"Whatever."

"Mr. Jefferson, sir, I have to ask... "

"...Thomas."

"Thomas, thank you. I have to ask... well, first, I have to tell you, I'm, like, your biggest fan..."

"Listen, I don't mean to be rude, but you and every Tom, Dick, and Harry have already declared your undying love for me. As adorable as you all are, can you all do me a favor and just grow the hell up?"

"Whoa. Well, Mr. Jeff... Thomas, to be fair, you guys started something very special..."

"We didn't start it."

"Well, OK, I get it. But you guys made quite a splash with it."

"Apparently not enough. What the hell is an email server?"

"Long story... hey, we put a man on the moon..."

"That was impressive, I'll give you that."

"Well you should be proud. Don't you think you had something to do with that?"

"With escape velocity? Once again fellow, that wasn't us."

"Funny. Ok, so, about that 'more perfect union...' "

"What about it? Let me rephrase that... how did it work out?"

"Well... it took us one hundred years to free your slaves..."

"Thanks, that's embarrassing. How did that freedom thing work out for them?"

"Not great. Took a little while for the former slave "owners" to get used to the idea. They called it segregation, the American apartheid."

"How long?"

"About another one hundred years..."

"Holy shit. Well you can't pin that one on us."

"You're safe, trust me. It's like you guys could do no wrong. Both sides of our political spectrum claim direct moral association with you and the rest of the founders. You guys are like the rock stars of founding fathers."

"Nice analogy, don't quit your day job kid. Listen, allow me to break this down for you as simply as possible: we're human. The world has always been a wild place, but the prospect of a great civilization and enlightenment is like a promise land... It was for us too."

"That much I'm going to fight you on: you ARE enlightened, I mean were, sir, I mean Thomas... hell, I can't bring myself to call you Thomas!"

"Because you're talking to a dead man or because you think you're talking to a demigod?"

"Both... I guess..."

"Alright, listen: sit down before you hurt yourself, and let me finish. I need to go back to being peacefully dead and you still have some time to make a difference. So, I've read some of your blogs, I hear you're a big fan of our checks and balances in government and power..."




"Yessir, I... wait, you've read my blogs?"




"Quiet. Or I'll have you whipped."




"Um... we don't..."




"Have you guys lost your sense of humor too? Don't get your knickers up in a bunch. Just let me finish..."




"Yessir."




"Checks and balances: before we let the first leader of the United States run wild with the keys of the spanking new republic, do you know how many men we checked-and-balanced his ass against? Ninety Seven. Just three shy of one hundred, and that's only because my cousin John, his wife Martha and their dog George could not be bothered. But I digress: ninety-seven. Sixty-five representatives, twenty-six senators, and six Supreme Court justices. If the union had indeed become more perfect over time, or simply become more orderly, don't you think that ratio of ninety-seven to one would have gone down? How much distrust can we possibly have for one man??"




“Five-hundred and forty-four to one, apparently... I just googled it. One-hundred senators, four-hundred and thirty-five representatives, and nine Supreme Court justices."




"Five-hundred and forty-four to one. And there you have it son, the truth shall set you free! Every four years you all hyperventilate over a single person, then you let loose five-hundred and forty-four pit bulls on his ass."




"Maybe soon to be her ass..."




"Whatever. The point is, and I’m not exactly sure how you dimwits missed this, the constitution had a clear mission: to form a more perfect union. It was right in front of your noses, in the first sentence for crying out loud! What part of that did you not understand?? It is a mission statement first and foremost, the constitution part was the building plan. We provided the foundation, you were supposed to build a great nation upon that rock. 

Look, you have accomplished great things - no doubt. And for a few shining moments, you were the greatest nation on earth. But greatness hasn’t always come when you thought you were great. When you freed the slaves, you became a great nation. When you allowed women and the former slaves to vote, you became a great nation. When you legitimized the emancipation of the slaves by ending segregation you became a great nation. When you were instrumental in the liberation of Europe from fascism you became a great nation. And when you landed on the moon, you were a great nation among the stars. Since then, I can't think of a time where you've been more pitifully disunited. I hate to say this, but the great melting pot has a mortal gash in it."




“Thomas, sir, you are bumming me out."




“Good. Listen, you guys desperately need to try something new, we can't keep coming back from the dead and beat you over the head with the obvious. So let me leave you with the best shot I have left: 

If you're all so fucking hungry for a leader, then be one to yourfuckingselves."

"..."

"Sorry kid, hope I'm still someone you like. But stop putting me on a pedestal, dead men and their outdated ideas end up on pedestals. Like the good man said: heal yourselves. The politicians you obsess about have major conflicts of interest, they will never be what you want them to be. The reporters that report back to you enjoy freedom of speech from the government, but not from the owners of their news organizations. What does that say about who the real government is? All you have done is shift the oppression of tyranny from government to corporations. That was never the intention! Between the self-centered agendas of the owners, and the reporters' own conflicts of interest, the abandonment of the truth has been a painful thing to watch from the sidelines. The men and women who are supposed to bring you the truth are so mired in bias they must wonder how their profession is still a thing."

"Backup a bit there Sir Thomas: are you saying large corporations are a bad thing?"




"They don't have to be."




"For a prolific thought leader and author of one of mankind's greatest documents you sure just avoided a simple question. Big time."




"Actually I have said too much. If your corporate police find me, they will hang me."




"We don't…"




"…oh excuse me. Fry me. Much better. A more perfect union indeed."




"..."




"One last thing, and here's where I need you to pay close attention: the biggest irony I've ever witnessed is that these corporations, their politicians, and their reporters... they are missing out on one of the greatest secrets the universe has to offer... ... ..."




"...What?? Humility? Selflessness? Heaven?? I think Jesus tried that message a long time ago Thomas. Two thousand sixteen years and counting!"




"Truth. The Sheer. Beautiful. Simple truth. You want justice? You want freedom? You want a moral ecstasy that you can't even begin to comprehend?? Give up everything you own for just an ounce of it."




"Wow. Brings John Keats to mind... 'Beauty is truth, truth beauty. That is all ye know on earth..."




"...John Keats my ass, Limey bastard stole it from me. That is the ONE thing I WILL claim!"




"..."




"Good luck, kid. What is it that your generation likes to say... catch you on the side that flips?"




"Close enough Thomas... you're still the man in my book."




" *Blog."




"Whatever."




...